Okay
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: Going through a box of things from his Mama shouldn't cause so much damage to Chris. If only Cade had stayed asleep all night. Warnings inside.


I have yet to write a NCIS: New Orleans story. I'm glad that I've fixed that now. ^_^

Warnings: Drug Use, Child Abuse.

If you want to be kept up to date with redos on stories or want to know more about stories that will be started soon or even ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing!

* * *

A sigh fell from Chris as he stared at the contents of another box his Mama had told him to take when he visited her. It wasn't often anymore that she found something of his in her home, but whenever she did he was called to take it away.

It wasn't as if she didn't want to have the memories of her baby in the house. She just had the idea that he would want to have those memories as much as she did. Truthfully, more often than not he'd be fine forgetting them all together.

He didn't have exactly the beset childhood, but he had long since come to deal with that. It wasn't as if there was anything that could be done about it anyway. So his daddy used to smack him and Cade around before drinking himself to death. It was just something that happened.

Everything that happened with Cade wasn't all that normal, but he was his older brother. There was nothing in the world that would make him walk away from the man. He had been there for Chris through so much. That meant more to him than anything their father had done.

Shaking his head Christ knocked the thoughts from his mind. It wouldn't do him any good to think like that now. Cade was perfectly safe in his bedroom down the hall. Everything was fine in their world. All he had to do was forget the thoughts and go about his normal day.

Which was easier said than down. Chris always found it hard to get out of his own head. The thoughts seemed to be on repeat the more he pushed them away. They'd just get louder and louder until he had no choice but to listen to them before he went completely mad.

Not that listening actually helped anything. The only thing that ever happened when he stopped and listened was a headache and a feeling to drink an entire bottle of whiskey. Not that he'd do that. He would never left himself become his daddy.

Forcing himself to take a deep, calming breath Chris looked down at the box once more. He wasn't sure if he was going to bother looking in it at all. It would be easy enough to just throw it away. He didn't care about it at all anyway. It didn't matter.

A dark chuckle left his lips as he sagged into his couch wanting it to swallow him whole. He knew that he was lying to himself saying that he didn't care. He cared more than he liked to admit. Which he had come to learn was just as dangerous as not caring at all.

It was safer if he didn't care though. No good could come from him opening that box and remembering who he was as a teenager. The memories he had of that time were enough and he didn't need to give his mind anymore of a reason to think of that time.

"Chris?" Cade's sleep filled voice came from behind him, "What are you still doing up, brother?"

"Couldn't sleep," he lied with a shrug.

"Alright, you want to try that again?"

"Not really."

Cade nodded his head calmly before making his way around the couch and sitting next to him. For awhile neither of them said anything. Chris was almost sure that his brother had fallen asleep, but when he looked over he saw calm hazel eyes staring at him.

It wasn't often that he had that look directed at him. Especially from his brother. Ever since Cade had been diagnosed when they were younger Chris had stepped into the role of the protective brother. Something that he both loved and hated.

He didn't blame the older man for that in any way. Cade was sick and it wasn't his fault. As much as he hated it and as frustrating it became for him he knew that Cade had it worse. Anyway, it wasn't about him. It was about his brother and it would help no one if he forgot that.

He'd seen what happened when someone turned Cade's illness to themselves. How his brother would start to fade away until he simply ran. He hated more than anything having his brother run away. It meant that he failed again. He was always failing his brother.

Clenching his jaw Chris turned his head away from the older man. He couldn't stand to have him looking at him like that. Like he could tell there was something wrong with him. He had done everything in his power making it so no one was looking at him like that.

"So, what Ma send you?" Cade questioned after an awkward silence.

"I haven't looked," he replied his eyes going to the box again, "I was going to pack it away."

"Without looking? Ain't you an investigator? Where's your sense of wonder?"

"It's my teenage years not the answer to the universe. I remember what I need to."

"Do you? Come on, brother. You don't know what you could have forgotten."

"Maybe it's better they're forgotten."

A strong hand rested on his shoulder causing him to look up. Cade looked so worried that he couldn't help but squirm in his seat. A part of him wanted to get off the couch and go into his room. Anything to not have that look directed at him anymore.

"Chris, what are you thinking?" Cade asked softly.

"Nothing," the younger man shrugged looking away once more, "Just tired."

"You really going to sit there lying to me?"

"I ain't lying."

"Boy, I've known you your entire life. I know when you're lying. You going to tell me what's going on or am I going to have to start guessing?"

Chris knew that his brother was trying to make him smile, but he couldn't bring himself to lie. Beside him he heard a soft sigh fall from the older man causing him to sink further into the couch. He should have walked away when he had the chance.

"Come on, Chris," Cade whispered turning to him fully, "Talk to me."

"Cade," Chris swallowed roughly.

"I know I'm not exactly the best person for his talk to talk, but I am your brother and I'm here if you need me."

Shaking his head Chris got to his feet and angrily grabbed the box before going into the kitchen. Dropping the box onto the counter he started to take things out of it and drop them unceremoniously into the trash can. He didn't bother paying attention to what was being tossed out.

It was almost empty when he saw a hand reach out and take something out. He barely paid attention to what was happening with his brother as he broke down the now empty box and threw it away as well. Once that was done he went to the fridge to grab himself a beer only to have Cade step in front of him.

Giving the older man a strange look he tried to move around him, but the man wouldn't let him pass. Rolling his eyes he crossed his arms over his chest and glared. His gaze was met with a fierce look from his brother that he hadn't seen in a long time. He looked furious with him.

"Christopher," Cade practically growled glaring at him, "Tell me you were never this stupid."

"What are you talking about?" Chris questioned his eyes roaming over the older man's face looking for some idea of what was going on.

Cade thrust his hands at his brother revealing what he had picked out of the box. Chris felt his blood run cold when he saw the tiny baggies clenched in his fists. It wasn't hard to figure out what they used to hold even though they had long since emptied.

"Where did you get those?" Chris asked softly.

"Remember that box Ma's daddy got from his granddaddy?" Cade questioned back, "You were damn protective of it when you were younger. Almost had a heart attack when either me or Ma went anywhere near it. Now I see why"

"Whatever was in that box no longer matters."

"How the hell could finding these not matter?"

"They're empty and that box had been locked in Mama's attic since I moved out."

"It's before you moved out that I'm concerned about."

"What do you want me to say, Cade?"

"The truth would be nice."

Narrowing his eyes the agent tried to move passed his brother once more. His anger started to grow even as he took a deep breath. All he wanted to do was forget his past. It wasn't that difficult of a request. It wasn't as if anyone had known about it until now.

He was the good little brother and son. Never getting in trouble. Always willing to help without being told twice. His mama called him her lightning bug because he burned bright whenever she thought the world was too dark to handle. Whenever she wanted to hide away.

He had loved that at first. He loved being the person that his family turned to when they were lost. That sense of belonging and love. Knowing that he was able to protect the people that he loved more than anything. It was everything that he thought he had wanted. Everything that his daddy never was.

He hadn't realized just how exhausting that could be. Day in and day out he would make sure his family was safe and happy. Between that and school he had very little time to do anything for himself. Scratch that. He had absolutely no real time to himself.

For awhile his whole life had been doing whatever it was his family needed him to do. He knew in the back of his mind that they had no idea what they were doing to him. Which was one of the main reasons that he had never felt the need to tell them what was going on.

"Chris," Cade called breaking him out of his thoughts, "What are you thinking?"

"It's in the past," the agent stated firmly, "Leave it there."

"I can't do that, little brother."

"Cade..."

"No, it's not happening. I get that it's 'in the past', but this is a damn big past to be hiding."

"One that doesn't matter."

"If it didn't matter why do you care about me knowing?"

The men fell into silence after that. Chris knew that his brother wasn't going to give up until he got some answers. Answers that the agent truly did not want to give. He knew that no good would come from telling the man the truth. He didn't have an option anymore.

"What do you want to know?" Chris asked his shoulders slumping in defeat.

"When did you start taking..." Cade tried to ask only to have his voice trail out.

"Heroin. It was heroin and I was fifteen."

"Fifteen? What happened?"

"One day I was taking Mama out shopping. She saw the perfect Christmas present for me and sent me out of the store. I saw outside for almost an hour before this woman walked up to me. She was beautiful. All smiles and soft touches. I didn't know what was going on. Then she was telling me to come to her place later that night.

"I wasn't going to go at first, but I wanted to get out of the house for awhile. So I sneaked out. We were the only ones in the house and after awhile of us just talking and kissing and touching she asked if I wanted to have some fun. Next thing I know I have something tied around my arm and a needle in my vein."

"Chris."

"I know. I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late."

"How long?"

"Two years."

"You were addicted to heroin for two years and no one noticed? I… I didn't notice?"

"I didn't want anyone to notice."

"Then how did you get clean?"

Shaking his head Chris turned away from his brother and started to walk away. He couldn't believe that he was actually telling someone about his past. He had done everything in his power to make sure that no one connected him to this. He really was failure.

Sitting at the table he buried his family in his hands and took a shaky breath. He was so tired of it all. It was the exact reason that got him in trouble in the first place. He got too tired to deal with the world around him and he made a stupid mistake that had almost cost him everything.

"It's okay, little brother," Cade offered moving to kneel in front of him.

"How it me getting hooked on drugs 'okay'?" Chris questioned not looking at the other man.

"Well, you're clean now, right?"

"Right."

"Then it's all good. As long as you're okay and healthy it's not a problem. But you can't do this, Christopher. You can't hide away and act like everything is fine all the time."

"Like you do."

"That's fair, but I know something is wrong with me. I also know that I have to take care of myself and if I stay then everyone would try to do it for me. I'm never going to be okay, Chris. I try and I fall a lot, but everyday I try to be okay. It's not easy by any means, but I work as hard as I can to make sure that I am okay."

"You don't have to do it alone."

"I know, but I also have to make sure that when I am alone I'm still okay. You can't make yourself okay if you only ever take care of everyone else."

"You have been to a lot of shrinks, haven't you?"

Cade laughed loudly at that before reaching out and pulling the agent to his feet. For a moment the two simply stood there. Then the older man pulled him into a tight hug. Chris held onto his brother his eyes shut as he took in the warmth he was being offered.

"I love you, Cade," Chris whispered not breaking the hug.

"I love you too, brother," Cade responded squeezing the back of his head, "I love you too."


End file.
